What is "healing" really about?

It's another sunny afternoon while I type this....for my 2nd blog post I want to talk about healing.

It may not be seen as a relevant topic of discussion for some and not all of us may have things to heal from, but I am quite sure most of us do. I do. And I have zero shame in writing a blog about it.

For no other reason but because I am a grown up. Lol.

Before I delve into anything that is on an individual level, I want to say something that will sound contradictory to a part of my second sentence - "not all of us may have things to heal from".

On an individual level yes that's true but I still think; and I am not the only one to think this, but if you take a look around, where ever in the world you are, you will definitely find it to be true for mankind at large being in need of healing.

But, more for that later.

If I have to talk about my own journey for a bit, I was born here in Mumbai, 30 years back to my mum and dad. It makes me very happy to say that the blood I inherit is from India and Pakistan. If I have to use numbers for this, I'd say I am about 75% percent Mangalorean and 25% Peshawari.

My grandmother is of a Peshawari descent.

I don't know about you but I am not aware of my ancestors more than 2 or 3 generations ago, on both sides maternal and paternal.

It's actually quite common for this to be true for a lot of us... we don't really know the names or life stories of, let's say our 4th or 5th great grand parents? If you do somehow have information that traces back to several generations of your lineage, then that's awesome but I don't, and I don't personally know of anyone who has that kind of information on hand as well. It is just not common for us to live that way.

But this exact pattern in the world very often makes me think about how it is crazy that as Humans in comparison to other elements that surround us - let's take trees for an example..... we live lifespans much shorter even than a lot of trees that surround us. For creatures like us who live such short and fast paced lives, where we complete about an average of 70 years or so, we pass our genes down, only to be forgotten beyond a couple of generations that come after us.

Am I saying that to sound morose? Of course not. It might feel eerie to think of our life spans being short but being the hopeless romantic I am, the way I see it, it's an even bigger reason for us to love one another (and ourselves), while we're here.

About fifteen years ago, I was doing what I always did as a kid - last minute of catching up with studies for my least favourite subject - Algebra. I was in the living room along with my sister who got off a phone call with our aunt. She looked me in the eye and told me "Papa has passed away."

If you have ever known what it is like to lose a parent to death, you will know that it's the furthest thing from easy.

I have known and have had my more-than-fair share of experiencing what it is to be involved in transmutation of many things. When something like that happens to you, it comes with a lot of work and a lot of responsibility. You transmute tears to laughs, you transmute hiding to sharing, you transmute anger to patience, you transmute fear into faith, and you transmute pain into power.

I may not be too old, 30 is quite young, but I am blessed to be able to say that I had many - and I mean, MANY soulful interactions over the years. In recently having exited a very busy and a very packed and a very chaotic and wild 20s, there are some insights I have had, that were born from personal experiences. Which I would love writing about, here.

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One of the funny things that happen when you are open and vocal about going for therapy or consultation, is that, you will soon attract the curiosity of others.

In the past, I have consulted professionals that other friend(s) were consulting and I have also been lucky enough to get the opportunity to point the way for others when they have come to me, seeking guidance on getting help from mental healthcare experts.

Personally, it had not been a straight road that I was on...meaning that I had to wade through a bunch of professionals, until I found the right fit for me. That is quite common and understandable if you look at matters of health, mental or physical, there is no one-stop solution in most cases. So if you are someone who is grappling with any kind of difficulty, at any degree (it doesn't always have to be a huge trauma), my advice is to be your own best friend and use your discernment. Finding the right healthcare expert for you is game changing and like the phrase goes, after all, understanding a problem is solving half of it. So, yeah, definitely find and stick to the therapist/psychologist/doctor, that understands you well, without any possible factors to cloud their judgement. At the same time, you must have the presence of mind to grasp onto the reality that no one is going to understand you 100% because no one spends as much time with yourself as you do.

So when you go to a professional, please know that they are here to help you understand your own self. That will lead to you being able to be more autonomous and eventually independent enough to navigate your emotions/hardships/life, on your own. It is about assisting you to heal yourself. You have to put in the work, as well.

So (if you're new to this) please never be one of those dummies who get upset by being unattended to, in a crisis, by a professional. I've known of people who fall for that mistake. It doesn't mean you are needy or wrong in any way, it just means that you have forgotten of your privilege to even have a therapist on your phone to reach out to. It's just a matter of perspective.

Other than seeking professional help, the wellness industry is here to infiltrate your thoughts with surface level healing. So if you are any one of those people going around sharing a David Goggin's reel of what to do when you don't feel like going to the gym and he responds with "fuck your feelings"... I hope you know all that make-belief surface level strength will not take you anywhere if after gym is over, you are still struggling with what happens on the inside.

A lot of the current culture is about taking things (especially interviews) out of context with mixing up different messages to make content. Content is not healing. That is obvious but it's always good to spell it out for the ones in the back.

image: YouTube video cover

There is healing.. and then there is distraction and keeping yourself occupied. They are different things.

And it will eventually bite you in the ass.

I know because I've been there.

We all have times when we fight our reality away by putting our head down and making it all about work. We drown ourselves in work. Hoping that it will get better. But a distraction can come in many productive formats. It could look like workaholism for some, like it did for me. I pretty much went from office to office and project to project through my 20s.

I had a better grasp over understanding myself in 2023 when I quit my last full time job and it still took me many months to understand what "auto-pilot" really is, and that I was functioning out of it.

I still showed up for numerous more interviews. I dealt with a heart ache of having to pass up on an Art Direction opportunity with Condé Nast, in the month of May last year, because even though I made it to the point of being finalized and receiving the offer letter.... I couldn't lie to myself that it was not the right time for me to work a full time job.

I eventually got my last tight slap from the Universe in July last year. I was scouted via LinkedIn by a reputed company for the role of a Creative Manager, to lead a team of 11 other creatives, across different departments.

And despite having a basic understanding that I didn't feel cut out for a 9 to 5, I showed up for the interview regardless. Only for me to come face to face with my real inner state of affairs during the interview.

That is what auto pilot will do to you.

It will make you believe you can keep going, until something difficult enough happens, that serves as your reality check, to accept that there is something that needs your attention. It was only in July '24 when I had a full grasp on what my path really is and what it isn't - on the work front.

That clarity helped me to get out of the weird loop of appearing for interviews for full time jobs while deep down, knowing that what I want in life looks different.

So, believe me that I know what I'm talking about when I say that there is healing and then there is distraction.

If you ask me, a round up of what as Humans, consumes us the most, is basically love and loss.

And since life is about constant change, it is obvious you are bound to be in positions or patches in your life where those two factors (love/loss) will be at play. There is no escape from it and there is no denying it. And it is not always about an external factor. Plenty of times it is about not having love for your own self. Or dealing with the loss of your old self. Human lives are short, no one said it was easy.

Dr. Gabor Maté is someone whose lectures I came across a few years ago and his work completely held my attention. He is an 81 year old trauma informed Physician, and an Author on many self help books on healing. What I found most remarkable and beautiful about him, was how open he was in his 70s, about his Ayahuasca experience (medicinal plant used for ritualistic spiritual healing) in Peru. It was beautiful for me to learn that there are these amazing souls out there, lighting the way for others and healing out loud and letting people know that healing is something that can be on-going in nature, for many.

Since the start of this blog post... I have mentioned discernment, perspective, love, loss... all of those vital aspects that usually shift the gears for us in life, it's plain to notice what they all have in common. They're all intangible. You can witness someone's loss, yes, but you can't feel it.

It's good to remember that there are eyes to look and then there are eyes to see.

Healing is not a linear journey, so always remember to extend grace to yourself and to those around you.

I mentioned something at the very start of this blog - If you take a look around, where ever in the world you are, you will definitely find it to be true for mankind at large being in need of healing.

I don't need to shed any light on this because of course this is still EARTH we are talking about. Where we kill and hurt and damage for personal gains. On a bigger scale if you take in consideration the larger levels of chaos, whether it is war, political unrest, trafficking, assaults, organized crime, social unrest and lack of cooperation and empathy...those issues are there for us all to witness in plain day light.

Take it down to a more personal level, you get childhood trauma, domestic violence, divorce, burnout, financial hardships, interpersonal tangles.. which are some of the most complex tangles to be a part of. No one really teaches you that when you start to shine your light, you will be attacked. No one teaches you that when you grow as a person, many will notice your growth but few will like it. And it is always the ones that are not growing, who will have a problem with your growth.

You go to school, and if you went to SSC board like I did, you repeat "Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" out loud 500 times along with 50 other kids in the same classroom, write rubbish in your paper and pass with good marks anyway, lol.

You fast forward a bunch of years ahead, reach your adolescence, and you look back and think why didn't the bastards at school teach you how to read (between the lines?) of your first salary slip or offer letter, instead. Or any other real life check point where you would like being mentally acclimatized for, in childhood itself.

(And before you feel like opposing this point, thinking that it is too much for school kids...

Please go take a look at what international boards teach these days to kids. A lot of the syllabus is very sophisticated and very progressive even starting as early as Kindergarten.

I would know because I have designed graphics for Kindergarten kids of an IB board school I worked for.. at age 5 those students were learning about how Queen Elizabeth's face is honored by being printed on the surface of currency notes of 15 or more countries. Yeah. True story.)

While how to function in the society or street smartness is something that anyway is learnt on the way for most of us.. what we don't really pay attention to, in my opinion, are interpersonal and intrapersonal skills.

Interpersonal and intrapersonal both describe ways of interacting—the first with other people, the second with oneself.

In our daily lives it's not much talked about.... maintaining a healthy check on interpersonal relationships. There is rarely a balance. And that is reflected upon the world at large.

We either take too much, or we give too much.

We may try to be everything to everybody and exhaust ourselves, or we may be one of those special ones who don't discriminate and are horrible to everybody :P

That's as far as interpersonal is concerned, when it comes to intrapersonal- it is 2025! and we have many shiny & indulgent objects and experiences all around us.. so self reflection and self inquiry.. healthy interaction with the self... who wants to do that? Lol.

In my early 20s I was very lucky to be able to sign up for and attend a Vipassana silent meditation course. I won't go into Vipassana much in this blog... because different things work for different people for arriving at better understanding of themselves. So, to each their own.

Personally, I love it. It is a technique of meditation. There are many. Vipassana is one of them.

When you go for a 10 day Vipassana course, it's a mix of theory and practice. In the theory part.... every evening they play a pre-recorded lecture/discourse for you. By S.N. Goenka.

One of the things he teaches through a short fictional anecdote, is about a wrist watch.

He gives the example of him having a fancy watch from a foreign country. It breaks and shatters and this makes him cry because there is nothing he can do about this loss.

The same watch (model and brand), possessed by a friend of his, breaks too.

And Mr. Goenka doesn't cry this time.

It's the same beautiful watch after all.

The only difference being that it doesn't belong to him.

That's an excerpt from one of his lectures where he teaches Buddhist theory about the nature of our minds.

It is not the breaking of the watch that has caused him pain... it's because it's HIS watch, that has broken, that has caused him pain. Anyone else's watch (even if it is literally the same thing, the same model and brand) breaking - is an irrelevant incident for him.

Take this same logic across various areas of life and it is a simple truth about ourselves and how we have been created.

We are inherently selfish, it is just the human condition. - There is ME and then there is everything/ person that is MINE.

Our first and strongest attachment is to our own selves. And then to everything that we deem to be ours.

It is common knowledge that it's always matters related to the self that hold significantly more weight than any matters that are external.

This brings me to my blogpost title. Which is a question. What is healing really about?

Hmm.. if Buddhist teachings open our eyes to how our attachment to our self really is the strongest.. and if healing is not a goal, but a continuum...

In my opinion the greatest accomplishment of all is when there is harmony in your inner and outer reality. When you talk the talk and walk the walk.

In essence, I believe that I can rightfully say that a person is healing when they are treating the people around them, just how they would like being treated themselves.

That to me, is the greatest sign of all.

Humans do have self destructive tendencies but when shit hits the fan, all we want for us, is the good stuff. We want to be loved, respected, appreciated, cherished, seen, heard, understood, and empathized with.

And when you are truly healing.. not only are you good to yourself, you are good to others too.

Not only are you good to others, but you also stay away from anyone who is not good to you.

And the reason why I believe that a person is healing when they treat the people around them, just how they would like being treated; is because healing at it's deepest level, is the experience of knowing you are one with all that surrounds you.

Nama-stay the fuck away, from anything that is bad for you :)